well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
