Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
