the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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