when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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