I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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