when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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