She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
