your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
