god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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