so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
