dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
