new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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