my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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