Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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