Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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