Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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