Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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