No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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