We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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