oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
