So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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