dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
