The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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