Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
