Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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