Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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