I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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