I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
