Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
