I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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