somebody snuck up and got me drunk
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
