she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
