Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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