I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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