when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Send help, water and tortillas.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
