I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
