I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
