My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I faked an abortion last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
