Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
