You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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