I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Randomize
