I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.