Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?