So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
