its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.