just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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