margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
