Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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