I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
