apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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