Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
