Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
