he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
