Your dad touched me again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
