It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
