Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
