If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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