I bet he comes in French.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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