I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
