i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
