yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drake has all the answers
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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