I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
