I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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