I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize